Icky Stuff, Scary Places, and Limits: The Sadists Playground
Written by Cerina. This article is the sole property of Cerina and Submissive Loving. All rights reserved.
If you haven't run across the term "Safe, Sane, and Consensual", allow me to preface the bulk of my article with the meaning of that phrase. It is the motto for the bdsm and D/s community. You have a right to be safe. You have the right to not participate in an activity which would damage you emotionally, physically, or socially. You have the right to say "no" to ANYTHING. If you run across anyone who appears to think you do not have those rights....RUN.
Every human being has limits. It is a fact of life which cannot be denied. There are things I will never never be able to bring myself to do without it causing me some form of harm. No Dom worth his salt would consider pushing those issues because he knows it would not only cause me harm but will also permanently harm the relationship. Instead of calling them limits, I tend to have them on my "Don't Even THINK About It" list. I am certain you have a list of hard limits yourself and can understand that need for being able to communicate them to potential dominants. These limits are more easily identified and NO ONE should cross them as doing so will damage you and/or the relationship. Since this information is found on most every site, I wish to cover the more gray areas and how they might affect us.
Now, for the much more gray area: Icky stuff and scary places
If you are like me and happen to be hopelessly attracted to sadists, you will quickly find that they LOVE pushing you towards anything you find icky or scary. They want to push every boundary you've ever had and live to cross every line you've drawn. To give you a small glimpse about what that means, here is a quote from my favorite sadist of all which describes the soul of his sadism:
"The defilement of the last vestages of innocence. Demanding all that can be given and more. Say goodbye to pride, turn your back on dignity. For they will be barriers to the extremes of my demands and your needs."
He isn't kidding and neither are the other Dom/mes out there who fall under the same category. They want sacrifice. They want "proof" of your devotion and love and many of them get off on your tears. If you have visions of harlequin romance in your head and cannot imagine being asked to do anything that is icky or scary, this person is not for you. Many submissives are very attracted to sadists but do not stop to think about the consequences of a relationship with one. If you find yourself using your safeword every time you are asked to do something you don't like, I think you might need to consider finding another Dom or even stop and reconsider if this lifestyle is for you. Again, you do have the right to say "no". You always have that right but if you find yourself saying no more than submitting to his/her demands there is a problem in the relationship.
You need to be honest with yourself regarding exactly what it is you are willing to submit to and in turn, be honest with potential dominants. Do not let stars get in your eyes nor allow lust to fool you into promises you cannot keep. A greater danger exists with getting in over your head. The danger that you will submit to things which you are not ready for nor have the capacity to deal with. Far too many submissives have remained silent and given more than they could handle. There is a very real possibility that you could damage yourself either emotionally or physically by submitting to activities you are not prepared for. Do not lie to yourself or fool yourself into thinking, "a REAL/TRUE submissive would do these things." Also, do not let any dominant coerce you with the same phrase. It is a lie. No submissive should be expected to submit to ANYTHING that will cause him/her harm.
My goal here is to get you to really THINK about what might be asked of you as a submissive and to get you to think about what your reaction to being asked to do something you find icky or scary may be. You need to be prepared. Part of that preparation is taking a great deal of time in getting to know potential dominants, know what they will expect from you, know what you expect from a dominant, and above all else TAKE IT SLOW. Be very honest about any fears you may have and why they are fears. If you choose to enter into a relationship with a dominant who plays closer to the edge than most, you must be certain it is something you can handle. Especially if it is a long term relationship you are searching for. He WILL expect you to play on the edge. He will expect that you are prepared to have your buttons and boundaries pushed. He WILL go down your neat little checklist and choose many if not all tasks you find icky or scary that he believes will not cause you harm.