The Number One Fear

by Cerina X (all rights reserved)

This article is in response to the site poll, "What is your greatest fear regarding entering into or being in a d/s relationship?"

The majority answer : Getting emotionally hurt
The orientation: submissive

This answer took first place by a landslide.

I can certainly relate to this answer as I have had these same fears regarding relationships. The thought of putting your mind and heart on the line only to find anguish IS a scary prospect and it is quite normal to fear the pain. If someone has been through it before in their lives they usually tend to fear it more because the memory of that pain remains with them. Problems arise in new relationships when the memory is so powerful that it affects most interactions with the new partner.

People have the right to expect their feelings to be validated. We do not have the right to expect our new partner to bear the burden of paying the price for previous relationships. There are no guarantees in life and unfortunately heartbreak is a part of life at one time or another for most. No one we become involved with can promise they will never hurt us in that manner. Sure they can try, but even the most successful relationships involve emotional pain along the way. We ARE all going to be hurt and must learn to equip ourselves with the ability to effectively deal with the various situations in which this will happen.

How we respond to pain will set us apart from those who allow anger and bitterness to flourish. Choosing to dwell on the pain and perhaps attempting to punish the other for it WILL result in negative consequences. Unresolved issues will feed upon themselves like a cancer and slowly affect every aspect of the relationship. If left unchecked the final result will be dissolution of the relationship which is the very thing we had feared would happen.

How this plays out in a d/s relationship:

It is a submissive's responsibility to effectively communicate his/her fears and the dominants responsibility to HEAR what his/her charge is saying. I do belive that if the dominant explores those fears and brings them out into the light he/she will be better equipped in the future to understand and deal with actions and responses from the submissive which may be linked to those fears.

To the dominants: I KNOW it can be an unpleasant situation to deal with an emotionally charged issue such as this but if you tackle it in the beginning you will save yourself much grief later on.

Your dominant has listened to what you have to say. Great. You are both on the same page. Fabulous. This is NOT a guarantee you won't be hurt in the end. We all have the right at anytime to decide a relationship isn't working for us and is not what we need and we have the right to end it. A collar is not an iron clad certainty the relationship will never end. Your choices? Live in fear or enjoy life while you have it.

This poll served a purpose. It showed that very few people had concerns regarding dominance or submission but were more bothered by something that could happen in ANY relationship. This seems to be quite common and I don't know if it is because people are confident and secure in their submission and dominance OR if it reflects lack of knowledge about d/s.


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