Advice For a New Dominant - Part Two
Once you start getting information out of the person, there are a bunch of things you need to know.
1. You know they are interested in D/S, but what kind?
Do they want to do D/S for a short time in bed and be equal out of scene, or are they looking for a full-time D/S relationship?
Do they want this to be you and him/her, or do they want the two of you to assume some sort of fantasy roles, like teacher/student or parent/child or jailer/prisoner?
Do they want to be treated as a valuable submissive, or do they crave humiliation?
Do they go for lots of symbols, like kneeling at your feet, wearing a collar, and so forth?
Are there things that they like to be made to say? Some subs like being made to say things like "I am yours, Master/Mistress" or "Please use me for your pleasure, Sir/Mame," whereas others find this sort of thing too flowery and prefer sharper exchanges and still others get nonverbal when in scene and find speech annoying. (I'm reminded of a woman who told me that she could never bring herself to call a man "Master," because the word always made her think of Igor saying "Yesss, Massster," and she would start laughing. It wasn't that she was disrespectful, she had no trouble with "Sir" or "My Lord," but "Master" made her crack up.)
What sorts of things would they like you to say? Some submissives like being called names by their dominants, some like hearing that they are your sub/slave or that they are owned, others like being told about the various unspeakable things that are about to happen to them, others like hearing an explicit list of rules and expectations, others like hearing that their dominant enjoys what she/he is doing. There's a really long list of different things that turn different people on, and I can't cover it all. (For example, my submissive loves hearing the words "You're my slave." Very simple sentence, but it does something to her. She also loves hearing, when I hurt her, "I need this, and I want you to bear it as a gift to me." To show you how different even very similar people can be, I would hate being told "You're my slave" but I would love being told "I need this, and I want you to bear it as a gift to me." (To make it even more complicated, I have no trouble with "You're mine;" it's the word "slave" that I can't stomach.) Getting a feel for what sort of thing underlies your submissive's submissive desires will help you get a feel for what sorts of things they like to hear.)
The above point leads in to what is the subtlest sort of distinction to make but the one that will be the most useful. Once you've gotten the answers to the above sorts of questions, you might be able to abstract some sort of general theme that guides your submissive's desires and fantasy life. Some submissives have the "I'm worthless, and I deserve to be punished" mindset, some have a "I don't want to have to take any responsibility, so I want you to control everything" mindset, some have a "I want to be so desirable that you have to take complete control of me" mindset or the "I want us to blend into one person" mindset or the "I want to prove I love you by doing difficult things" mindset or any number of others. Once you've talked and played for a while, you might get an intuitive feel for this. It may be something that your submissive can tell you, but it may not be, they may not have thought about it or analyzed it to this extent. But if you can figure out what sort of mindset underlies your partner's submission, it makes doing new things and guiding your future play a lot easier. You'll know what new things are likely to work and what won't because you'll understand the underlying motivations.
2. What sorts of things do they like besides D/S?
Is bondage okay? If so, how much and what kind?
Is pain okay? If so, how much and what kind?
Okay. So now you know what your submissive wants. You also have to figure out what YOU want. It's easy, when you're first starting out and trying to figure out how to be a Dom, to imagine some stereotypical stern, sneering dominant and try to emulate that image. But not all of us are cut out to fit that mold, and luckily for us, not all submissives like dominants who fit that mold. You need to find your personal style. The best style for you is not the one that's the closest to the stereotype, it's the one that makes your eyes light up and your energy rise and makes you feel that THIS is the alivest you've felt in a long time. Personally, I'm a pretty gentle dominant as far as manner goes, but manner can be deceiving. One of the things I like to do is to force my submissive to do things that she wants to do but is too frightened to do, the "You are so much mine that I can make you do something that terrifies you" feeling is quite a rush for me, but I know I can let myself give in to that feeling because I'm making her do something that she secretly wants. I also like mental stripping -- making my sub/slave be mentally and emotionally naked with me, she must tell me anything I want to know about her. Oh, and making her scream is fun, too. :-)
Of course, your style will be influenced by your submissive's style. The sort of submissive who wants to be forced into submission will elicit a different response from you than the sort of submissive who wants to lay thier submission at your feet like a present. And of course, some submissives can do one thing at one time and the other thing at another time. Just to keep you on your toes. :-)
Don't worry if it feels sort of strange in the beginning. When I first started dominating my sub/slave, I would look at my face in the mirror and chuckle and say, "This is NOT the face of the sort of person who owns a sub/slave." But that "WHO? Me?" feeling wore off after a while. That "I'm not cut out for this. I don't know what I'm doing" feeling wore off after a while. If it's TRULY not for you, don't force yourself. But do give yourself a little while to try it on and get used to it before you decide whether or not it's for you. I felt silly and nervous and out of place at first. But after a while, I came to feel that there were few things I'd ever done that were more satisfying.
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