Demands vs Expectations
Article provided to Submissive Loving courtesy of Amoral Desires
Do not copy without permission from author.
We all know what we want and we all know that, mostly, we'll get some of it and not all of it. Occasionally I talk to people who say they've ticked off every box on their wish list when it comes to a person to share themselves with but, frankly, I treat those people in a similar way to the ones that insist Elvis lives. With great suspicion.
It's not that I don't believe there is a perfect partner for everyone out there. Far from it. I just remind myself that I'm making my wish-list based upon me on my own and not me with another alongside me.
People change other people. What was once essential to you even functioning at any given time can be rendered irrelevant because of the presence of another. You adapt to them, they adapt to you... that, to me, is how it works. We each come to the table with a list of demands and, over some unspecified period of time, we talk and explore and learn and we refine those needs. We learn about each other, our strengths and weaknesses, desires and fantasies, kinks and perversions. It's not that we push certain needs aside and accept they won't happen it's just that, through being with another, those needs change. Some become less important, others more important. And on it goes, over and over.
People are dynamic creatures. They shift, relocate, transform, evolve, learn and never really stay static, regardless if they're happy or sad. People change.
I think people expect some insurance when it comes to the lifestyle... some kind of small-print set of rules that will stop them being exposed to, God forbid, anything different to their precise view of how a life with them should be. I speak to subs and Doms that profess their misery of being alone and their fear that it will always be so and then get to listen to their novel-sized list of expectations and needs and limits and rules and standards and judgements and... it just goes on. And on. What do they expect? It's getting to the point where people will have to come with their own user manual so you know the dos and don'ts of them.
I like to talk to people and to listen to them. I like to learn about them. I like to get in their heads a little and see the world through their eyes... why do they think that? Why did they say that? What did they hold back on? Why did they hold back on it? People fascinate me and always have done.
And there are few things less interesting to an inquisitive and open mind than someone who simply sits there and just goes on and on about what they want, what they need, what they expect, what they think is important, what they think is unimportant. I find that rude, almost dismissive of the person they're with. It's like saying 'yes well we can deal with you in a moment... but first, this is what I expect'.
The beliefs and expectations of anyone are essential to what makes them how they are. They define a person to themselves (but not neccessarily to others) but some people cling to those things like a drowning man to driftwood. Seriously, how interesting is someone who just lists it all out and, in doing so, almost seems to be trying to define you in some oblique way?
Learning about someone is like taking a journey where the destination is unknown. Along the way you will see many wonderful things and you can share in them, see the joy through another eyes and perhaps learn to feel that joy yourself. You will sometimes see things you don't like, that you find ugly or just plain dull. But you will find these things out for yourself, through your own interest in that person. Hopefully it will be reciprocated and, if it is, who knows where it may lead and what will be experienced.
If you want to get to know someone, then go for it. If they want to get to know you and you want them to then let them go digging. Stop showing people round the fun-fair just so they can see all the rides are closed.