To Submit: overcome resistance to direction and yield one(self) to the will of another

Submission is an action of personal strength. To overcome internal resistance the submissive must control their desire or need to maintain personal control in the creation and delivery of all personal decisions. They must overcome the need to express or deliver their personal judgment as the basis for creating, directing and taking self action. They must overcome their desire to ACT defensively through CHALLENGE and directed conflict when exposed to the direction of another. As part of this process they must also submerge their ego to allow them to follow or accept direction from another without fear of loss of face, status or worth.

To yield is to 'reward' through the offering of the inner self to the direction or will of another. This 'gift' is the non-resistance or need of conflict TO direction and external control.

Resistance is usually based on FEAR of loss. That loss may be the perception of ego or self, loss of control, loss of independence, loss of status and loss of perceived personal value or worth.

There are some 'new' submissives who believe that they need a 'strong' Dominant to conquer or externally overcome their resistance to direction and control. This implies an action of external 'force' upon the submissive. A violent, compulsion or constraint exerted AGAINST a person. Such an action implies that the (self) of the submissive is not consenting to direction but in fact resisting or overtly acting in opposition to the acceptance of voluntary direction by another person. Non-consensual FORCE violates one of the primary tenants of the BDSM community and factually negates that the 'submissive' is voluntarily submitting at all.

The identification of 'strong' Dominant and the inability of a submissive to find one who meets these self-created unattainable standards allows the submissive to evade taking the internal actions necessary to control themselves in order to offer themselves truly in submission.

A person who actively RESISTS direction or control is NOT submitting. Acting out with resistance is a demonstration that the individual has NOT overcome their internal resistance to external direction and control.

Some submissives believe that by yielding or 'rewarding' access to their physical body that they are offering to the recipient of that 'reward' their submission. To reward access WITHOUT yielding your inner (self) or ego to the voluntary acceptance of the will of another is NOT submission. It is to role play submission on the surface without real meaning or depth in the exchange. Such an offering is shallow and quite limited. Again this is often an action of defense based on fear of loss of control or exposure of emotional or mental vulnerability by the submissive.

Part of overcoming the defensive structures inside the mind of the submissive is the absolute necessity of the submissive to overcome their FEAR of releasing control to another.

Some submissives do not wish to release or submerge their egos through voluntary submission instead desiring to shift responsibility for their submission to a forcible or non-voluntary IMPOSITION of submission upon them thereby allowing them to save 'face' and shift the BLAME of their submission to the person who had IMPOSED that condition or state upon them.

Submission CANNOT be imposed. Control CAN be imposed or FORCED. Often through tools of intimidation, fear, pain, guilt or shame. We call this IMPOSITION of FORCE - ABUSE! This is a non-consensual action.

A submissive cannot escape personal responsibility for their submission. They must overcome the societal implications of perceived weakness of character and perverse or corrupt moral standards on their own. A submissive must overcome their feelings of shame and guilt for taking direct voluntary actions against the 'accepted' role of the 'independent successful human adult' as defined by the standards of outer society. It is important to consider that shame and guilt are tools used by religions, governments and communities to impose censure and through that censure CONTROL members of the community who no longer believe or follow the often rigid and limiting acceptable path of an adult within that community.

You punish the unusual through shunning, disparagement and expressed direct shame or humiliation. Any individual who defies or is able to ignore societal rules or controls becomes dangerous and perceived to be potentially beyond the control of that society. Such defiance causes FEAR.

The acknowledgement and acceptance of TOTAL responsibility for the submission of the self within is the first TRUE step that a submissive takes toward total submission and the offering of the self to the will and direction of another.

all rights reserved by Mistress Steel

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Choosing the Right Dominant:

Know Exactly What You Want

by Cerina. Copyrighted by Submissive Loving. All rights reserved. Do not copy without permission

You are a submissive. You have read everything you could get your hands on and talked to anyone who would offer advice. Now, it is time to choose your dominant. I can only speak and counsel you regarding a full time 24/7 relationship as that is my only experience, however some of what I have to say can also be applied to part time as well. Choose carefully. Choose wisely. This is your life, your heart, your mind and only you can make sure you end up in a relationship that best suits you.

The First Step:
Get comfy in your favorite chair in a quiet room with pen and paper. Take a deep breath and calm your mind. Dig deep, really THINK about all past relationships. What type of men did you choose? Did those choices work for you? Make a list on the paper of all the traits the men you previously chose possessed. Could he hold a job? Was he quick to anger? Did he make you feel safe? Did he satisfy your needs? Write everything that pops into your mind. EVERYTHING.

Second Step:
This is about need versus want. I want Brad Pitt, to never work again, and live a life of luxury. Well don't we all? (smirk) Would having that truly fulfill me and satisfy my needs? To help you, I will share some of my needs that I wrote down after digging deep and seeing why my past relationships did not satisfy me and why they didn't work. I NEED to feel safe. I NEED to know that the man in my life will do everything in his power to stop any harm from coming to me. I NEED security. I need to know I will not be living in my car and begging on street corners for food. I cannot be happy without these things. CANNOT. What can you NOT live without? Not be happy without? Write it down!! Every word. Leave nothing out. Go crazy.

Third Step:
What traits must your partner have that will satisfy those needs? Only you can answer this and you MUST answer it to ensure you choose the right Dom. Pay no attention to what you think anyone will think about your list. This is your life, not their life. You have a right to happiness. I made such a list. I never faltered from it. I knew what kind of man would make me happy and what kind of man I could be happy to serve. I was patient. I met many Doms and rejected them all. I would rather be alone than settle for less. Four years later, when I least expected it, there he was. Yes, over the four years my list was modified every now and then as I discovered more about my needs. Your list may change as well as you learn more about yourself. It is my hope that you find the same happiness that I have found. Now make that list!!!

Putting It Into Action:
Remember that you have the right to be choosey. You have the right to ask questions and take your time in getting to know someone BEFORE they can expect to dominate you. It seems like some people take more time choosing a new vehicle than choosing someone to share their life with. Compose some questions to ask that will identify a dominant who can fulfill your needs and don't be shy about asking. Interview them and be as thorough as possible.

Home The Submissive D/s Postcards
What's New!! The Dominant BDSM Books
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Excellent!! The Loving Dominant. SM 101. MUST read for newbies!!! Screw the Roses Send Me the Thorns Sensuous Magic.