Written by Cerina X. This article is the property of SL. All rights held and reserved by Submissive Loving.
Be Yourself If you have to lie about yourself in order to get someone to submit to you. They did not submit to you.
If you project a personality other than whom you really are, no one actually submits to you. They submit to whom you pretend to be. I understand that you may be tempted to behave as you perceive a dominant should, but in the end you are cheating yourself. You will be far more fulfilled to know that one submits to you as you are. It is YOU who inspires this submission, not an alter ego.
Maintaining a facade is work and sooner or later you will not have the strength nor the desire to continue with it. What then? Do not be surprised when the submissive is disappointed and goes in search of someone who is naturally what you pretended to be. Everyone loses in the end.
Be Honest With Yourself about Your Version of Domination
There is nothing wrong with sensual only domination but for some reason it has gotten a bad rap and dominants seem ashamed to admit that the only area they truly wish to dominate is in the sensual sense. You wish to make a good match when choosing a submissive so be proud of who you are and what you want. Do not lie to yourself and in turn to the submissives stating that you wish total control and domination of the submissive if this is not you.
Do Not Begin What You Cannot Finish.
Do not create a highly disciplined atmosphere in the beginning if this is not something you can maintain.
Another problem is strictly disciplined behavior in the beginning only to have the dominant relax more and more over time. Submissives WILL test boundaries and if you slowly allow them to get away with more as time goes by you stand a good chance of losing the submissive's respect for your domination. If you've ever heard the phrase, "I'm not feeling as dominated as I did before." this is why you are hearing it.
I've seen it happen over and over again. A dominant has a new submissive, drowns them in a barrage of "training" with physical/written assignments and it is a precedent which cannot be upheld in the long term relationship. The result over time is the submissive feeling less and less "useful". She/he had grown accustomed to a great deal of attention through these assignments and as it tapers off she/he begins to wonder if the dominant is losing interest when it really amounts to the dominant has run out of ways to keep the sub busy. This situation can create tension where none should exist.
My advice? Use only training tools you truly need in order to know your submissive better and do not hand out assignments simply to keep them busy. You will avoid burnout and the submissive feeling lost if you take things slowly and remain focused. Also, only create the level of discipline you can keep control over for the duration of the relationship.
Study, Learn, and Study Some More
I don't want to hear that you were 'born' dominant and naturally know it all regarding dominance and submission. You don't. No one does. If you have chosen D/s as your lifestyle you must also choose to forever be a student willing to learn.
LEARN about relationships, psychology, safety, and yourself.
The Following additions were kindly submitted by Master Greatmane. I am honored to share his suggestions with you.
Be Honest about Your BDSM Experience
Be honest about what you have done. If you have never played with needles, violet wands, tens, or other hardware don't pretend you have. If you are doing something for the first time say so. Odds are your submissive is just as anxious to experiment as you are. But if you lie about something and then get found out, it will undermine her trust in you.
Communicate Until It Hurts!
Submission (and all sex for that matter) begins in the mind. Know yours and hers. It takes more then a checklist to find out what really turns her crank.
Talk about everything! Then talk some more. It doesn't matter if you are the type of dom who plans out every last move in a scene, one who just wings it and does what feels right at the moment, or somewhere in-between; discuss with your partner things you would like to do and scenes you would enjoy, and encourage your partner to do the same. If you talk about enough different things she will forget the details and it will not ruin the surprise when you want to spring something on her.
The Way to Carnegie Hall...
Practice, practice, practice! Nothing screams dominance more then competence. Practice on the bed, on a stuffed animal, on a pillow, or any other inanimate object.
Know what your tools feel like on yourself.
Mistake is Not a Four Letter Word
Admit when you make a mistake. It will not undermine her trust in you. However, if you try to cover up a mistake and she finds out, that WILL hurt her trust. You expect her to let you know when she errors, do the same for her. Dominants are only human and you will make a mistake here or there. Admit it, learn from it, and try not to make the same error again.